Ok, these are the last of the notes I made about the article, made a few more copyedits:.Mark Arsten ( talk) 22:32, 22 February 2012 (UTC) Reply I'll try to remember that one about debuted for future reference. Alright, thanks for clearing those up for me."debuted" makes the game the actor, while "was debuted" makes the dev team the implicit actor I'd prefer to leave it as "was".
Is sounds wrong to my ear, possibly because the "everyone" in question is dead, and so are past tense.Mark Arsten ( talk) 20:20, 22 February 2012 (UTC) Reply signed on to publish and distribute the game." I suggest splitting this into two sentences. " A playable version of the game was debuted at the September 2010 Penny Arcade Expo, where it was well received, and after a strong showing at the March 2011 Game Developers Conference, Warner Bros."A playable version of the game was debuted at the" Do we need the "was" here? (I honestly don't know.)."a way to provide background details and depth to the world without having the player read long strings of text" Maybe "requiring" or something more specific than "having" here."The original idea was based around the idea." I suggest rephrasing to remove the "idea."who had worked for the Caelondians in building a weapon intended to destroy the Ura completely to prevent another war." This feels a bit wordy to me, trying to think of a good way to tighten it."sets off for the titular Bastion, where everyone was supposed to go in troubled times." Should this be "was" or "is"?.Do you think "courses designed to test the player's skills with the weapons" would be an improvement over "courses designed to test the player's abilities at using the weapons"?.Dropped the "house" bit from the lead- the idea was 5 in a house in LA, while Korb and Cunningham lived and worked in NYC.Mark Arsten ( talk) 21:02, 21 February 2012 (UTC) Reply "destroying a certain number of objects with it within a given time" I'd suggest avoiding the "with it within" if you can think of a good way to avoid it."the shrine lets the player choose idols of the gods to mock, causing the enemies to become stronger while giving increased experience points and currency." Who receives the currency that is given here? (I assume the player, but it might be good to clarify.).In the Gameplay section you start two consecutive sentences with "Levels", I suggest rephrasing there."a team of seven people split between a house in Los Angeles and New York." I'd suggest "split between houses in." here.There is a lot of "the game" in the first couple paragraphs, if you can think of a good way to cut a couple out that might be a good idea.
I have a few comments and suggestions on the prose though:
#Bastion in a sentence free#
To the nominator: if you do not intend to submit this article at the WikiCup, feel free to remove this notice. The following nominators are WikiCup participants: PresN. Thanks for reviewing and showing me how wrong (or right) I am! - Pres N 19:37, 21 February 2012 (UTC) Reply Nominator(s): Pres N 19:37, 21 February 2012 (UTC) Reply īack again, this time with the indie video game darling of 2011! Bastion is a GA, been copyedited by me several times over the past month, has its refs archived, has image rationales and alt text, and overall feels up to the level of my other video game FAs.
0 kommentar(er)
